START UP MUMMA, STAND UP MUMMA…OH SHUT UP BETA!

Once upon a time in a middle class, Government-job-crazy family: 

“Maa, I want to contribute to the nation building” I said affirmatively to my mother.

“So you are, beta” my mother said, ignoring my well planned words as she flicked  another long whatsApp message on her newly acquired smart phone.

Mayhem At Midnight: Count upto a Pay Commission Report

After Freedom at Midnight Domnique Cashier comes back with his thrifty reporting on 7th pay cuttision atrocities and presents the Mayhem at Midnight. A book that shattered the dreams of always moaning but always  working govt employees (What? That was not a Shelden Cooper's uhh...huuh sarcasm. They actually work).

Ok,read on.

The book opens with a famous speech titled Tryst with Penury:

“At the stroke of the midnight hour of December 31st when the world sleeps, except the BPO employees of Gurgaon, Babus of India will awake to misery and mayhem. A moment comes, which comes after every tenth year, when a Govt employee steps out and dares to  stare from old brands of costumes to new, when a decade ends and when the soul of his wallet, long suppressed by inflation and his wife's burgeoning demands, finds utterance.”

Letter from an aggrieved 'Number System' to Delhi CM

courtesy : Google images

Dear sir,

Notwithstanding the fact that we rate your hard hitting decision to reduce the number of vehicles polluting  Delhi's atmosphere as marvellous ,  our Union of  Number System strongly disapproves with the rule behind rationing.

Bearing a legacy of famed mathematicians like Bhaskara , Aryabhatta , and Ramanujam isn't it undignified to employ simple elementary mathematics of odd and even to frame a rule which will affect the psyche of masses in general. Your rule, my dear,  has ignored the basic principle of mathematics : the difficult, the better.

The simplicity of identifying odd and even has sucked the breath out of your fellow protest groups, who were so longing to hug the deserted Jantar Mantar had you offered a more difficult proposition to Delhiwales . Infact, your transition from a coughing krantikari to a pondering adhikari has caught every ready-to-agitate soul unarmed.

But real world apart, the world of mathematics is under a severe trauma since you colluded with  the chunnu-munnus of number system and ruined  the ego of other big shots like Prime and Composite number or Rational-Irrartional number.

Sir, your rule has revived the caste system in our community where odd-even still enjoy privilege over other real numbers. For years we have ignored the discriminatory treatment meted to rational-irrational numbers over odd-even by the student community at large. For a meagre 5 marks they prefer writing the complete multiplication table of even numbers between 1 to 10 than proving how square root2 is irrartional. Just because 2,4,6,8,10 are even and rhyme together should  we deny  poor square root2 the right  to prove its rationality? In such a partial oriented society, the selection of only odd-even by an ex-IITian thereby ignoring the whole gamut of real numbers might leave Pythagorus turn in his grave.

In a bid to assert your mind's supremacy, pay homage to past mathematicians and give fodder to protest to political parties we suggest you an alternative. Make a raita of all real and imaginary numbers, spit a bit of calculus into it and offer a ready to rebel vehicle rationing policy as raita to litter.

Enforce some out of box complex rules, go back to vedas or vedic mathematics and churn out theorems that would put followers of Euler, Lafrange or Leibniz to shame. Unleash the 'iterative dog' of Runge-Kutta method over the numb mortal brains of Delhites . Introduce the imaginary and ever dreaded iota (i) as the complex series in vehicle numbers, gift the Delhi dudes some Double Differential equations and toss a pinch of quadratic to the motorists Madams, the solution to which would be their licence to drive. Or include rational irrational numbers as part of  the rationing policy by crowning every vehicle number with a square root function and let the hapless mind decipher its rationality.  Make the vehicle numbers so miserable to identify,sir,  that people shudder twice before driving again.

Let us together prove everyone that when we copy a rule then we improvise upon it even better. Thus let us welcome a beautiful world where early morning every person worth his mathematics soul would hold a glass of milk in one hand and an advanced mathematics book in the other.

With few regards

Yours Mathematically,

Union of Number System

Thankyou for reading

India is Cinema, Cinema is India

Selected for Spicy
Saturday Picks

I had a dream.

No wait!. Not the one like Sir Martin Luther King.

It’s a simple one, the one we are more accustomed to in our ordinary lives. Its ordinariness makes me shy to share it with you.  But then  Sheikh Peer has rightly said “Whats in a Shame?”. Or is it 'Shakespeare' and 'name'? whatever, let it be 'shame' for a while.

So my dream goes like ;

From the Ramparts of Red Fort I saw our Prime Minister addressing to the nation on the eve of auspicious release of Dilwale and Bajirao Mastani.  He  asked the  Shahrukh Sevaks and Ranveer Sena to maintain peace and harmony on this festive day . He also pleaded with the Whatsapp users to not spread rumors regarding Dilwale's story being leaked and warned them of falling in trap of negative publicity of SRK. Rather he suggested every cinezen to become a Dil Wale and support King Khan in his desperate days. Or they should carry packets of Bhaji inside theatre to watch Bhaji Lao Mastani.  

Someone in the crowd broke the news about CBI, Centre for Bollywood Investigation, raids inside Delhi secretariat. CBI said it acted  upon the information of  illegal hoarding of black tickets of INOX and Big Cinemas of the two mega movies by the secretariat . Arvind Crazywaal cried foul and said that CBI wanted to get hold of a file regarding investigation of DDLJ black ticketing when Jaitleyji was Movie Minister.

Then, I saw Arnab God's Swami  in Movies Now. In his news debate When- Arnab- wants-to-know-then-the-nation-wants-to-know he sought clarification on the necessity of releasing the two mega entertainer on the same day .Why of all the 365 day Sanjay Leelaa Bhansali chose to spoil cinema lovers much awaited  never old sizzling combination of  Shahrukh and Kajol.

He also wanted to know why the nation should not know that if Deepika and SRK know each other so well then why did not they opt for other dates so that he is saved from knowing what he is trying to know now. He grimaced over the insensitiveness of bollywood towards 1.2 billion poor cinezens. In his conclusion he used words like Pathetic-thrice, Miserable-4 times, Pity-twice and Hopeless-once before suggesting to watch Gangs of Wasseypur again to gang up against both the new movies.

Switch to Red Fort and amid a thunderous applause we saw entire film cast of Dilwale and Bajirao waving from the Red Fort while a new slogan is launched by our beloved the-one-who-must-not-be- named "India is Cinema,Cinema is India" and further announced a one day NH-National Heralday on 19th December.




             ---------------------------   INTERMISSION  ------------------------------
                               Plz  read further at your own idle Time !

A soft music awakened me which I mistook for Beethoven's fifth symphony but was actually buzzing of few nonchalant  mosquitoes inebriated  with All-Out liquor.I furiously  swept them away in air and hurriedly tried to catch the glitz over the Red Fort .

Instead, I found myself seated behind Jyotiraditya  Scindia inside Parliament. In a well memorised and loosely rehearsed speech, RaGa sought the speaker's attention over the over dose of red hue by Bhansali in his earlier production  RamLeela and criticised him of saffronising the bollywood. RaGa accused the govt for playing with minority sentiments citing that since SRK belongs to a minority therefore Govt is eroding SRK's finance with Bajirao's release on the same day. "Such is the apathy of this Govt that the number of persons below Bollywood poverty Line (BPL) have increased day by day" he roared. "60 % of India's cinezens fail to watch 1 movie a month. The Govt must not only boast about opening bank accounts under JanDhan yojana but also deposit movie ticket fares in it."

He  recalled  how in UPA's Movie  Goers National Relaxing Entertainment Gurantee Act 

 ( MGNREGA ) his govt had assured one day movie a year to one person of a family.

Jyotiraditya Scindia stared Mallikarjun Kharge down when he tried to correct RaGa’s MGNREGA abbreviation " Baba ne bola M for Movie to Movie" with loud thumping over desks.

Supplementing that SRK's Dilwale is better than Bajirao he elaborated  how he has downloaded both last night on torrent.

A Bollywood Janta party (BJP) member accused the opposition for stalling the GST bill which would ensure reduced Tax for poor Moviegoers . Jaitleyji countered the fabricated chaos about timing of both movies in the same week. “People should watch both instead of one” he suggested with his suave smile.

The TringBring Movie Congress (TMC) was offended  and compared Jaitley's remark to that of Marie Antoinette's –Let them eat  cake , if they can't have bread. A tragic enact by Didi "Do ticket movie ki keemat tum kya jano Jaitley Babu" sent the opposition benches to cheer "once more...once more"

Unperturbed by the speaker’s dire consequences of stalling the parliament entire opposition staged a walkout to mark 18th December as PVR Chalo Andolan day.

A familiar Nokia ringtone echoed in the slowly evacuating hall. I pointed towards the Apple Iphone seated lazily inside the Khadi pocket of a grumpy member  beside me "Sir, why do you demean the poor Iphone by using a ghostly Nokia ringtone ". Something jolted me up like a slap on my face and I located the source of cheap sound into my Lumia720 wailing beside on bed.

Softly I touched the answer button to ease its pain.

The caller voice resembled to that of a sleepy news reader in All India Radio who is entrusted to broadcast news in the dead of night while he knows no one is listening.

“Why do you sound so sad my dear ?” dizzied with sleep, I enquired

“Sir this is Engineering Control Allahabad. Would you go for night foot plate tonight?”

Disgruntled due to this unauthorised encroachment over my dream sapce, I replied sternly “No, I will rather watch Hate Story-3 again” and slid the phone back under the pillow.

Thankyou for Reading

The Islam I Know

I have no idea about various versions of Islam being  propagated across the world. The repeated news debates over Islam has repeatedly failed to make sense to me. Their Urduish accents  are no better than Italian movies without subtitle.  One of the demerits of 32 inch HD LED TV is that

the frowning news anchor seems like your father threatening you to score a hundred out of hundred in Mathematics. They may jump out of screen and slap you red next time if you don't heed to them

Their debates have made Islam so complex that the complex differential equations involving omegas,iotas, sigmas, gammas and with respect other ammas seems more rudimentary to me.

I have also no idea of what others conceive about people who follow Islam and its practices.

Let me break a breaking news to you all.  The followers of Islam are from the very earth we all link our origin to. Well,  you don’t need an assurance from me after all . They are as simple as people of any other religion for whom religion is something what career choices are for students of middle class families : totally imposed upon them.

The college life is the time when our soft clay like character is mould and hardened for future. Having spent the crucial college life in one of the prestigious Islamic universities of India, Jamia Millia Islamia,  I sort of feel privileged and claim a right to discourse on Islam.

The college environment where friendship is the strongest religion and the professors are the real preachers, breeds thoughts which come a long way in shaping your thoughts for lifetime.  Most of my friends in college were followers of Islam. But never did we dwelled into altercations over each others religion. Forget altercation, we hardly cared what religion we followed. For us there were only three types of species on earth : Front benchers, middle benchers and back benchers. 

I came to know about two sects of Islam from them : the most beautiful girl in our class was a Shia and the second one was a sunni. Trust me no one cared about hell as long as they were present in class. I came to know that Ramadan is the more appropriate word than Ramazan, that a person who

is on travel and a child has no compulsion to keep a fast during the holy month, that the appeal of the evening Iftaar party was more alluring to them than the full day fast. My friends abstained from watching movies during Ramadan as long as it was not a Shahrukh mega. They too had fond memories of loving Ramayana or a Mahabharta on DD as much as others did. My friend Iqbal knew much more about Mahabharta than me. The Baal Ganesha put smiles on my friends younger brother as it did to any small kid. Five of my classmates proudly called themselves Paanch Paandav and shared everything from examination chits to cigarette puffs.Three of them followed Islam. 

My friends who follow Islam are liberal in approach and thoughts. For them religion is just a symbol as it is to us.

I have climbed the stairs of Kalkaji and visited Varanasi ghat with them.Together  we have unsuccesfully tried to sit in silence inside the Lotus Temple of Delhi just to smile mischievously before bursting out with laughter. We have been to Jama Masjid and Akshardam Temple all together. For us it was all fun and no religion. We hated politicians in equal measures and loved A.P.J Abdul  Kalam , we appreciated Shoaib Akhtars tantalizing looks but equally booed him when he bowled bouncers to Sachin.

My knowledge of Islam is complicated, yes, but only in names. It took me months to realize that the Mehreen Mushtaq Lanker are not three siblings but one and it took me years to spell them correctly. That Kamrul Hasan and Qamrul Hasan are two different people and not one separated just by L,M,N,O and P.

My Knowledge of Islam is simple and not that intricate  as many may have. The Islam I know thrives in the heart of my friends who treasure relationship as we all do. The Islam I know walks among the ordinary crowds of Batla House to Shaheen Bagh in Delhi, trying to earn a decent living and celebrating small nuances of life.

My knowledge of Islam is in the sweet Sheer Korma and Sewai I loved to devour at my friends house every Eid. It is in  Imran's youngest brother who was as desperate for eidis on Eid every year as he was for the crackers on Diwali. It breathes in the form of  my friend Iqbal, one of the best gifts from Jamia whom I trust as much as my brother. The Islam I know has those Paanch Pandavs who used to drown in the colours of Holi while keeping the world behind them. It lingers in the rich aroma of Naeem bhai's biryani of Jamia canteen which relieved the hunger pangs of students across all religion. The Islam I know sustains in my professors at Engineering college Azhar sir, Khalid Moin, Qamrul Hasan and several others who wanted all of us to excel in life as much as our parents did. They celebrated excellence and never religion. 

The Islam I know is quite simple and joyful. It is more than a name or a surname, more than anything wrong what people misconceive it to be. The Islam I know has love, friendship, passion, success, failure and all human emotions we go crazy for. And I am sure your knowledge of Islam is as good as mine.
(Dedicated to my Alma Mater and all friends. Forgive for putting in names without permission)

Thankyou for readin

Why on Earth are you not Married?

My brother’s marriage is scheduled for the last  week of November. Delighted? Well,  I don’t intend to invite anyone. But I will try to inform everyone. Yes!. Everyone from my chacheri chachi’s eldest daughter in law  to the Fuferi Bua I have never seen. From the gaanv wale Tauji to my lesser known cousins sprinkled all over India. From the friends who have preserved their ‘likes’ and  ‘comments’ like treasures on  facebook to the ones who have mindlessly but loyally  liked all the shi*****  I post. (Extra stars is just to bemuse you, consider the first word knocking the mind as correct!)

Our social norm expects us to blast such news to all. So what better way than on a social networking site. You may like, comment or share in hundreds. So that even a remotely located tech-savvy kid of Jagada tribe of Africa knows that one elder brother of one hapless person in some place called India is finally about to get married. Let there be prayers in churches ,offerings in temples, nazranas in masjids. But see that the news doesn’t spreads to  Syria. If they get elated they might send beheaded congratulatory messages .

With this declaration many restless soul would pester more firmly with their questions regarding my settling prospects . Not every one likes to see happiness on your face for long. Henceforth, I can not use the Law of Precedence (Marriages are fixed in descending order from eldest to youngest) religiously followed in a middle class Indian family, to defend my free radical state.

Earlier, to every question about my marriage I smirked off by replying “abhi Bhai hai bada”. The worst part was to beam a lightning smile while replying to the same moronic question put up at various gatherings. It was similar to grudgingly produce an extraordinary grin every time your dearest but meanest friend  graciously offers  Rs 30 McAloo Tikki in all parties at McDonalds,while you know it tastes worse than local Aloo Tikki.

Such gatherings have their quota of Anatomists and Philosophers. The Anatomists would dissect your family structure to know the reason why on earth you are still unmarried. Where is your Brother? Is he employed? Why doesn’t he marries if he is employed? Why doesn’t he lets you marry if he doesn’t want to?. Do you have a sister? Is she elder to you? Is she married? And then like a lost tourist he would again venture to the source and  conclude, “That means bhai ke baad karoge?” I felt like answering “ Na, bhai ke bete ke baad”

After a can of beer or two  the philosophers would produce their gems of thoughts in the form of stories that how one of their friend had to accept celibacy only because his elder brother took long to settle. After few more cans of beer find their fate sealed inside their tummies you  become an open target of  whims and fancies regarding bachelorhood. Your free radical  state might be linked to the reason behind ozone layer depletion or the cause of recent Chennai floods. Your Vivah cheerharan  becomes the tax-free source of entertainment for the masses. You may look for a saviour like Krishna but  if your Krishna is not single then chances are the best derision would be from his side.

With God’s grace I hope my brother gets married. He has patiently batted for 4 years like a test match. Twice my family jumped in elation to celebrate his dismissal but the bowler refused to raise the appeal. The ball is in the air this time, I pray for his resounding dismissal.

Nowadays, you are not sure of your marriage till you actually get married. Marriages do have their probation and confirmation.You never know when on your marriage night any Aakash (Amir Khan) comes out of blue and repropose your bride to be. I have seen Dil Chahta Hai . Thrice. “Ki mujhe yakeen hai ki tum janmi ho mere liye, bas mere liye aur mera dharti pe janam hua hai taaki tumse mil sakoon aur agar tum ye apne dil se poochogi to jaan jaogi ki main sach keh raha hoon”. Flat. Done. Fate sealed. Years of perseverance and hard work gone with just a dialogue. Off pack your bags… smile sheepishly say goodbye to the Shalini (Preity Zinta) of your dreams and start searching your next bride to be. See the cheapest matrimonial site and market yourself again. If things seems gloomy and you do not find a better prospect for too many days in a row then the hindi dailys will brighten your hope. Sell yourself among the only coloured pages of hindi daily and I assure you not less than 50 calls a day. Sundays would be all more charming when the flood gates carrying marriage prospects are opened. Thus, your hope will be rechristened and  you will get a million reasons to live happily till next weekend.

If your brother or sister is equally interested in your marriage as you are it helps. If not use the power of a dual sim smart phone to develop your clone. Use one number to mediate like the prospect’s brother and the other number as the prospect himself.

And even if it doesn’t help go and watch Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (HDDCS) and  hope that the Shalini gets a change of  mind and returns to you like the Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) of HDDCS .

Till then Stay Single, Stay Blessed!

Thankyou for reading

Harry Potter and The Battle of Bihar

Edited from original source Google

Harry Potter and The Battle of Bihar

Bihar has successfully weathered the month long slugfest festival enjoyed thoroughly by  the insatiable media. During the same time I bumped across a news about “Harry Potter and the cursed child”,  a play revolving around the Potter story 19 years later where it left, scheduled to open at London Theatre in July 2016.

Within seconds the Potter mania engulfed my consciousness and I relived the decade long symbolic association with the wizard as if time travelling in Hermoines’s Time Turner in the  Prisoner of Azkaban. But the ever monotonous news updates about Bihar elections unwittingly  hooked me to the present.

I tried again to peek into the Hogwarts school and found myself surrounded by muggles all across from Bihar. Muggles from Munger to Darbhanga, Muggles of all castes and religion. I found the wizarding atmosphere full of political colours. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff houses were now owned by various political parties honing their charms and spells over the muggles. The Tri Wizard tournament from Goblet of Fire is replaced by the democratic election process. Where each party has to place their best wizard forward who can successfully cast the Imperius curse(hypnotising)  over the muggles to win over their votes. I was dejected to see the best Witchcraft school turned into a vicious land of power seekers. 

In order to seek clarification from Hagrid I ventured  into the  Forbidden Forest. There I saw our hero, our ordinary boy with whom we all shared a significant part of growing up years. The Boy-Who-Was-Elected with his spect-acular looks and side-swept hair  Niti-ease Potter sat dismally with his Philosophers Stone, caressing it gently to become an immortal CM.

He narrated me how he along with Laalo Weasley and Hermoine Gandhi have formed The Muggle Gatbandhan to defend against the Saffron Wizard Lord VadodaraMort. He narrated me how the Saffron Lord’s  army have  been  casting  democratically Unforgivabe curses in the land of         Bizar-dry.How they once intentionally used the magical spell ‘Accow’ and not the more appropriate ‘Accio’ to summon the cow lovers to their party. How the frequency by which Lord apparates and disapparates  between Delhi and Bihar has been troubling him. The intensity of casting charms using theatrical expression and hand gestures mastered by the  Lord has done sort of Bombarda Maxima among the muggles.

The verbal duel between  Weasley’s Ron Janta Dal (RJD) and Saffron Lord’s Baahar-ki Janta Party (BJP) once dropped so low during a Quidditch game that the Ministry of Magic had to personally reprimand both to maintain the decorum of game.

At another stance, I saw Amit-Dementor Shah sucking happiness out from our boy through many communal spells but the boy successfully casted a Expecto Patronus Bihari spell and won over a million heart.Sadly, Hermoine’s charms were so dull that she did not even qualified for being called a wizard. She was past her best and the Muggles left her rallies to rest.

But, I found the ideals of Albus Dumbledore a.k.a JP in Bihar waning among his followers. The one-who-must-Always-be-named was nevertheless wrong in irresponsibly using his Wizardry powers entrusted upon him by muggles across the nation. But our trio fearless heroes including the Boy-who-was-elected did not fared up to our expectation.

May be the Lord’s  ‘Achhe-Din-ka-Dabra’ become the killing spell for the Niti-ease Potter, or may be our boy grabs the ELDER WAND again from the Diagon Alley to become the best wizard born ever. As I recede from my Potterlogy  to reality I wish, whoever wins, Bihar gets to rise above its Deathly Hollows.


Thankyou for reading

Diwali ka Diwala

This Diwali make your smartphone shop for you right from the luxury of your home. Or this Diwali go out and shop your heart full on new hero bike. This Diwali just donty shop for you but for your entire family. This Diwali paint your home bright with Asian Paints. This Diwali go broke, bankrupt, get ruined and stay impoverished everafter.

Deepika padukone in Tanishq ad rightly says that for past many years Diwali in her home has not changed. She always gets a jewellery fromm his father. And in the end just as if that would not be enough her mother also has a jewellery which we surely know fromm her expression that it is new. Sure way to get the Diwala out of your father.

Or paint your home not with ordinary distemper or chuna, dig deep into your pocket and have your house painted with nerolac paint or Nerolac ki raunak as asked by Shahrukh khan.

Aur is Diwali khushiyan lle chalo, Cadbury celebrations le chalo. Larger the packet larger the khushiyan lesser the number of choclates. Jao le jao khushiyan. You can either buy ever reliable boondi k buniyan in less than half the price of single chocolate inside the pack.

This Diwali if you are not already famished after month long all special and exclusive sales on amazon, flipkart, snapdeal, jabong, myntra, santra, kaddu, muli etc .com then go celebrate Diwali as you have already did for so long.

Letter From Ravana to Ram

photo credit: imgion.com

Dear Ram,

Hope you had a wonderful and bombastic 4015th Vijaydashmi celebrations. Or was it 4019th? Having been burnt every year so religiously that I have certainly lost the count of years since we engaged in the battle in Lanka. That was long time ago and together we five have stood the test of time. Yes I am counting in Meghnad , Kumbhakarna and Laxman too . You and your faith are still vibrant while me and the evils, I am said to resemble, still exist. That puts us in stalemate mate!
I really wish that we should have signed a peace accord then or Vibhishna could successfully play a role of mediator rather than enacting like a presstitute as your media does now.

Well who cares for peace, it is all fun that people seek whether watching the Ramlila or clapping while I am lynched…..Oh! did I say that. Sorry, I meant burnt. A slip of thought and my tongue dear. That L word is quite a buzz now a days here in your media that it is giving a tough competition to the more common f word. f ??of course f in lower case is facebook.

It is not only me who drop L word during casual conversation but few days back I found a newly wed wife of a software developer asking her husband through a comment on his facebook wall “ Darling, will you come for lunch today? The software developer might not be interested in regular patta gobhi that her wife eagerly cooked so he replied “ No dear.. you lynch yourself”. That post had 251 likes and 34 shares before the husband clarified that he actually typed lunch but the Auto-Correct mode typed it lynch. I was later updated by Meghnad’s tweet that the couple have settled to divorce after Vijaydashmi. Strange, that people here in your land have lost the sense of tolerance and react over few misquoted words.

Well while we were roaming around your nation observing our creatively crafted into ugly effigies I was really thrilled to watch me having ten heads. Empowered with a smartphone and the notion that daughters can be saved via Selfie with the Daughter, I couldn’t resist to take a Selfie with the Effigy to help me save my effigies from being burnt. My selfie tweet has become latest rave in Pataal Lok. See we too share useless personal emotions like people do on Bhoo-Lok. But sadly my effigies and your daughters still remain vulnerable .

So then I asked Kumbhakarna to schedule a meeting with Arvind Karebawaal to stage a bawaal at Ramlila maidan at Delhi. He was expected to do a bawaal if he is not given a turn to shoot an arrow on our effigies as is the demand by Delhi Ki Junta through him. Guess what? Kumbhakarna kept sleeping and Arvindji coughed his way back home.

As a second option, I thought to request Ravishing Raveesh Kumar of Anti TV, who is busy now a days with his show Ye Jo Mera Bihar hai, to do a Ye Jo Mera Tyohaar hai on the inhuman treatment meted out to me and my family members repeatedly year after year. Although only his mike seems to be more receptive than him while his cameraman always has a tendency to point and shoot any living organism passing nearby but the main subject. But at least it will highlight the apathy of we three. May be some rationalists would return their ration card to stop this barbarism. Or the SC takes a suo motu cognizance and issues a guideline that ‘only He who exemplifies a true Ram like character would be exempted for burning an effigy of the Ravana” Then possibly I may never burn in your nation, Ram.

With best wishes,
Yours truly
Former Lankapati, Ravana
Wish we don’t see each other next year.

Thankyou for reading.

My take on Income Tax return

Its pleasure to file your IT return on the last day. Its valour to defy their repeated reminders through messages and emails. When you delete those messages, when you ignore those emails consider it as your bold declaration of war against a gamut of IT officials who have ruthlessly seized your hard earned money in form of taxes.

But I sort of take extreme care and diligence to file it not on the last day but in the last hour, preferably in the last minute. I want to keep the IT officials pondering till the last minute of the time i have. Its ecstacy to feel that the guy who has deducted almost a month of my salary as income tax is sitting in anticipation on the other side of network biting the last nails he has.Wheteher I will or I’ll not.That may sound weird .But i seek satisfaction in thinking so. The act of filing an IT return is not due compliance but my vengeance towards the IT deptt.When W.H Auden wrote that “ those to whom evil is done do evil in return” I consider he meant an IT return and i completely abide by it.

The whole financial year gets over by playing hide and seek with the IT deptt.If they had their TDS, I had my NPS. If they brandished their cess and surcharge, i countered with my PPF and insurances .

The soulful joy is when you cunningly pluck out your secret move from the pack of cards and surprise them with an extra unreported savings done . A 500 here and a 1000 there saves a 50 here. The refund amount may be small but it gives a paradigm shift to your effort of filing return.The whole idea is not to reveal all your savings in a go and keep a few for the last moment to climb the bandwagon of Tax refunds .

Although the truth is that you can’t change your fate and you can’t change your total tax. But you can fight your fate and you can claim your refund from tax. Its just an alter way of thinking. For full one year a lioness sharpens her claws, works hard and plans and effects a kill. The lion simply comes and carries a major chunk from her kill on the pretext of rule and strength. The lioness is a salaried employee and the lion is IT deptt. To get a tax refund is that moment when you can strike and snatch the meat out of the lions mouth.

A net tax refund makes you feel like an achiever,a shrewd planner who has just turned the table to the other side. So you invest all your lifes accountancy, use all statistics , trignometry or geometry or every rubbish you have read but make sure that in the end you get the hell out of your IT return and get them to pay you back. After all the one who strikes the final blow is the one who wins.

Thankyou for reading

The Parliamentary Entertainment:Last day of Monsoon session 2015

photo credit: ibnlive.com

Would have wished to be in parliament today
Not that I am a connoisseur of political debates. But be it movies or parliamentary debates entertainment is all I seek. Entertainment is all it was. The last day of monsoon session was never the less than an epic potboiler.

Mallikarjun Kharge tried to inspire like the king of Spartans.He knew the numbers are few but the territory has to be defended.He spoke valiantly.He charged audaciously. HIs courage never faltered him, only his accent did.

So he fired the 7 Questions or the 7-Qs towards towards the government benches.This when the master orator was absent from the battle field. Only he has engineered 5-Ds,3-Ts,6-Ss
etc more succesfully earlier. He has churned out such words from his word processor more faster than can fruit juice by a food processor.

I am afraid someday he may claim that 26 alphabets and 1 to 10 digits are his creation during BJP rule, leaving 0 for Aryabhatta.

Sushma Swaraj resembled a wounded tigress which waited patiently to prowl on the Ra-So prey. The wounds afflicted by the allegations were all out on her face.All she did was wait for her turn. She knew it will come.And When it did she devoured the opposition by impeccably chosen words. Words mastered from her ‘adtees saal experience in Rajneeti’. "RG you are fond of holidaying.On your next holiday go and read the Kaale karname of your family and come and ask your mother Mumma, Quattrochi ko kitne paise diye. Mumma Anderson ko kyun jaane diya tha?" and then "Adtees Saal se Rajniti me hoon...Thirty Eight Years...aur til bhar bhi daag nahi laga".Well these are the dialogues that brews a 100 crore saga entertainer. For that matter  Bahubali can be an exception. Sarcasm at its best, she ripped apart Ra-ga with her final onslaught and actually spelt Quid pro quo for him.
On the background the self acclaimed iron man who has seemed to lost all his charisma for the past one year seemed as cold as stone and  seemingly trying to decipher greek inside parliament.He pacified Sushma swaraj by patting her back and probably quipped " Beti don’t speak for so long. Nowadays only Modi does so.”

 Attack and counterattack. 
Rahul Gandhi was in his artistic best when he retorted in equal measure quite confidently

" Sushma swaraj held my hand yesterday and asked Beta kyun Naraaaz ho mujhse.Maine tumhara kya kiya”. I told 'Main apse naraz nahi hoon.Maine aapki aankho me dekha jaise main abhi dekh raha hoon.Main satya bol raha hoon.Aur aapne apni aankhen jhuka li" His words thoughtfuI?Who cares. His mannerism draamatic? Yes it was.I wondered wheteher there'll be an advertisement after his speech -Beta Kuch lete kyun nahi?
Arun Jaitley had his turn too" The problem with Rahul Gandhi is he is an expert without any knowledge". The problem with Arun Jaitley is he always wears a smile, he thinks it makes him look suave but which makes him look all the more cunning.So stop grinning.

Not to forget the continuous din and sloganeering of the congress calling PradhanMantri Hosh me aao...hosh me aao and Pradhanmantri Sadan me aao..sadan me aao and cheer by the BJP members.The epitome of democracy seemed like the epitome of defamation .Kala-dhan was no where to be discussed but the kala-man was all out for us to see.

Narendra Modi tweeted a congratulatory message for Shushma Swaraj as if she had won a national level extempore competition. By tweeting the video link of Shushma Swaraj’s speech he behaved like a father who takes pride in the misdeeds of his spoiled brat and brags it out everywhere.

I wish I get to see such impromptu scripted parliament session in the multiplexes. I will whistle, hoot, shout at each dialogue. I will jeer down with congress-Pradhanmantri chuppi todo, chuppi todo. I will chant along with  BJP members. What an experience it would be . Bravo Parliament.

Thankyou for reading.

Indian Railway and Job Satisfaction

Completed 1.5 yrs as Asst Div Engg and also full probation period with Indian Railways.

Being a part of a system that has shouldered the expectations of an entire population for more than 160 years feels great. I have seen  people sacrificing their lives or suffering irreparable injury while performing their duty to keep the route safe for trains. The selfless devotion of  people towards the sytem is commendable. People whose single pursuit is to keep the wheel rolling and the giant moving. For me the Moto of Indian Railways is “Keep Moving’. No matter what  just keep moving . For this giant machinery has not learnt to stop even in harsh circumstance or an extreme climate. And the fraternity of railwaymen ensures that it serves its only purpose day in and day out safely and promisingly to connect people across region. This is not an ordinary organization. This orgnzn has carried all generations successfully ,literally and physically. For the past 160 years it has catered to all demands, be it individual, political, occupational or religious and is still on track.  Some may feel it has failed, but it never has. It has always evolved in better ways. To satisfy the need of  2.3 crore passengers every day  and simultaneously making an earning for the entire 13 lakh employees is not a failure. When the endeavour of an organisation is to satisfy million needs at a time then it can’t be termed a failure.

 It was during the restoration work after the  Muri express derailment on New Delhi - Ald route, two weeks ago, which brought one of the busiest route of IR to standstill that I realised the motive of our organization. I realised that whatever happens, the first objective was to to make it move. There I  realised that the satisfaction does not lie in the closed comforts of a luxurious room, not even in owning a brand new car, not also in the cool ambience of a mountain hill being able to pay a five star hotel bill. These are occasional thirst  which must be quenched but can never give a feeling of completeness . It was after being awake for continuous 43 hours and at the restoration site for continuous 32 hours I realised the demands of duty. After being baked under the bright noon sun, and washed with the hot dusty winds , with minimal food to eat and only water to rescue that I felt complete and satisfied.

 I realised that no work is small ,no system is perfect,  no job is complete in itself.  The curve of satisfaction in  any job represents a sinusoid . Someday its far above while  someday its too below.  Someday you crave for more while someday you wish it remains as it is. I detest many part of  my working schedule. Like many I complain about the facilities as a Govt officer , frown about the job demands , dislike its unnecessary phone calls .But then let the detestable part of this job be the lower half of that elusive satisfaction. For after it brooms you up to the crest which leaves memories for years.

The other day one of my friend in another Govt orgnzn told me that she was proud of Indian Railway. I was just back from an unpleasant  late night protocol and didn’t replied to her then. But yes, deep down in our heart , proud is what we feel!

My Woeful Salary and Indias' Budget 2015

How can you give 28000 as a salary, that too after working for 3 yrs of overhyped-underprivileged Group A Class I officer service? How on earth does this meagre amount qualify for a salary even? This is what I earned for the past two months. Sadly but truly it is 4000 less than what my Group C staff got this month. At one point I had an urge to borrow some from him in lieu of granting 8 extra leaves . 28K in 28 days of Feb. means  I managed to earn only 1000 Rs per day which gives me a feeling of having myself enrolled in MGNREGA rather than working as a Govt officer(Pl add ‘Overhyped’ every time I use this cuss word).

28K is a sum which can swing a Bollywood Maa’s  mood away from honest salaried Police officer Ravi to Bangla-Gaadi-Naukar -Chaakar owning criminal Vijay. 2015 is 40 yrs more than 1975. Presuming Ravi owned 1000 Rs per month then and adding an increment of Avg 1000 Rs per yr (considering in b/w pay commissions) he would have earned 41000 in Feb 2015, 13000 more than me. And to admit my mother is no simple, innocent, white suti saree clad Nirupama Roy of 1975 potboiler Deewar. She knows things and she demands things.  She rattles of Flipkart by heart. Although she calls it Philip Kaat . Last week she asked me to buy “5 sim wala Aashu  Ye Phone ”. It took me 3 google search to decipher her  craving for Asus  Zenfone 5 and 3 days to convince that 5 is not meant for 5 sim slots.(You guessed it right, Aashu is my nickname)

28000 Man??In hindi its called Atthais Hazaar. Infact in hindi it stinks. Even Tees-Battees hazaar commands some respect in social circle. But atthais hazzaar??Although its not true but in general parlance of Bihar,UP Afsar gets Assi (80) hazaar and a Peon gets Paitees (35) hazaar. Where does Atthais fit into it??Bandhua Mazdoor!

I thought Jaitley baba with a mandate of 282 would be heartful enough to part away some amount from Govt coffers as bonus for Holi/Diwali to officers too. I waited for this announcement with bated breath and dog’s curiosity during his budget presentation. But finally all he did was  to move away on his Elephant slowly and surely.

Thankyou for reading.