Why on Earth are you not Married?

My brother’s marriage is scheduled for the last  week of November. Delighted? Well,  I don’t intend to invite anyone. But I will try to inform everyone. Yes!. Everyone from my chacheri chachi’s eldest daughter in law  to the Fuferi Bua I have never seen. From the gaanv wale Tauji to my lesser known cousins sprinkled all over India. From the friends who have preserved their ‘likes’ and  ‘comments’ like treasures on  facebook to the ones who have mindlessly but loyally  liked all the shi*****  I post. (Extra stars is just to bemuse you, consider the first word knocking the mind as correct!)

Our social norm expects us to blast such news to all. So what better way than on a social networking site. You may like, comment or share in hundreds. So that even a remotely located tech-savvy kid of Jagada tribe of Africa knows that one elder brother of one hapless person in some place called India is finally about to get married. Let there be prayers in churches ,offerings in temples, nazranas in masjids. But see that the news doesn’t spreads to  Syria. If they get elated they might send beheaded congratulatory messages .

With this declaration many restless soul would pester more firmly with their questions regarding my settling prospects . Not every one likes to see happiness on your face for long. Henceforth, I can not use the Law of Precedence (Marriages are fixed in descending order from eldest to youngest) religiously followed in a middle class Indian family, to defend my free radical state.

Earlier, to every question about my marriage I smirked off by replying “abhi Bhai hai bada”. The worst part was to beam a lightning smile while replying to the same moronic question put up at various gatherings. It was similar to grudgingly produce an extraordinary grin every time your dearest but meanest friend  graciously offers  Rs 30 McAloo Tikki in all parties at McDonalds,while you know it tastes worse than local Aloo Tikki.

Such gatherings have their quota of Anatomists and Philosophers. The Anatomists would dissect your family structure to know the reason why on earth you are still unmarried. Where is your Brother? Is he employed? Why doesn’t he marries if he is employed? Why doesn’t he lets you marry if he doesn’t want to?. Do you have a sister? Is she elder to you? Is she married? And then like a lost tourist he would again venture to the source and  conclude, “That means bhai ke baad karoge?” I felt like answering “ Na, bhai ke bete ke baad”

After a can of beer or two  the philosophers would produce their gems of thoughts in the form of stories that how one of their friend had to accept celibacy only because his elder brother took long to settle. After few more cans of beer find their fate sealed inside their tummies you  become an open target of  whims and fancies regarding bachelorhood. Your free radical  state might be linked to the reason behind ozone layer depletion or the cause of recent Chennai floods. Your Vivah cheerharan  becomes the tax-free source of entertainment for the masses. You may look for a saviour like Krishna but  if your Krishna is not single then chances are the best derision would be from his side.

With God’s grace I hope my brother gets married. He has patiently batted for 4 years like a test match. Twice my family jumped in elation to celebrate his dismissal but the bowler refused to raise the appeal. The ball is in the air this time, I pray for his resounding dismissal.

Nowadays, you are not sure of your marriage till you actually get married. Marriages do have their probation and confirmation.You never know when on your marriage night any Aakash (Amir Khan) comes out of blue and repropose your bride to be. I have seen Dil Chahta Hai . Thrice. “Ki mujhe yakeen hai ki tum janmi ho mere liye, bas mere liye aur mera dharti pe janam hua hai taaki tumse mil sakoon aur agar tum ye apne dil se poochogi to jaan jaogi ki main sach keh raha hoon”. Flat. Done. Fate sealed. Years of perseverance and hard work gone with just a dialogue. Off pack your bags… smile sheepishly say goodbye to the Shalini (Preity Zinta) of your dreams and start searching your next bride to be. See the cheapest matrimonial site and market yourself again. If things seems gloomy and you do not find a better prospect for too many days in a row then the hindi dailys will brighten your hope. Sell yourself among the only coloured pages of hindi daily and I assure you not less than 50 calls a day. Sundays would be all more charming when the flood gates carrying marriage prospects are opened. Thus, your hope will be rechristened and  you will get a million reasons to live happily till next weekend.

If your brother or sister is equally interested in your marriage as you are it helps. If not use the power of a dual sim smart phone to develop your clone. Use one number to mediate like the prospect’s brother and the other number as the prospect himself.

And even if it doesn’t help go and watch Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (HDDCS) and  hope that the Shalini gets a change of  mind and returns to you like the Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) of HDDCS .

Till then Stay Single, Stay Blessed!

Thankyou for reading