Letter From Ravana to Ram

photo credit: imgion.com

Dear Ram,

Hope you had a wonderful and bombastic 4015th Vijaydashmi celebrations. Or was it 4019th? Having been burnt every year so religiously that I have certainly lost the count of years since we engaged in the battle in Lanka. That was long time ago and together we five have stood the test of time. Yes I am counting in Meghnad , Kumbhakarna and Laxman too . You and your faith are still vibrant while me and the evils, I am said to resemble, still exist. That puts us in stalemate mate!
I really wish that we should have signed a peace accord then or Vibhishna could successfully play a role of mediator rather than enacting like a presstitute as your media does now.

Well who cares for peace, it is all fun that people seek whether watching the Ramlila or clapping while I am lynched…..Oh! did I say that. Sorry, I meant burnt. A slip of thought and my tongue dear. That L word is quite a buzz now a days here in your media that it is giving a tough competition to the more common f word. f ??of course f in lower case is facebook.

It is not only me who drop L word during casual conversation but few days back I found a newly wed wife of a software developer asking her husband through a comment on his facebook wall “ Darling, will you come for lunch today? The software developer might not be interested in regular patta gobhi that her wife eagerly cooked so he replied “ No dear.. you lynch yourself”. That post had 251 likes and 34 shares before the husband clarified that he actually typed lunch but the Auto-Correct mode typed it lynch. I was later updated by Meghnad’s tweet that the couple have settled to divorce after Vijaydashmi. Strange, that people here in your land have lost the sense of tolerance and react over few misquoted words.

Well while we were roaming around your nation observing our creatively crafted into ugly effigies I was really thrilled to watch me having ten heads. Empowered with a smartphone and the notion that daughters can be saved via Selfie with the Daughter, I couldn’t resist to take a Selfie with the Effigy to help me save my effigies from being burnt. My selfie tweet has become latest rave in Pataal Lok. See we too share useless personal emotions like people do on Bhoo-Lok. But sadly my effigies and your daughters still remain vulnerable .

So then I asked Kumbhakarna to schedule a meeting with Arvind Karebawaal to stage a bawaal at Ramlila maidan at Delhi. He was expected to do a bawaal if he is not given a turn to shoot an arrow on our effigies as is the demand by Delhi Ki Junta through him. Guess what? Kumbhakarna kept sleeping and Arvindji coughed his way back home.

As a second option, I thought to request Ravishing Raveesh Kumar of Anti TV, who is busy now a days with his show Ye Jo Mera Bihar hai, to do a Ye Jo Mera Tyohaar hai on the inhuman treatment meted out to me and my family members repeatedly year after year. Although only his mike seems to be more receptive than him while his cameraman always has a tendency to point and shoot any living organism passing nearby but the main subject. But at least it will highlight the apathy of we three. May be some rationalists would return their ration card to stop this barbarism. Or the SC takes a suo motu cognizance and issues a guideline that ‘only He who exemplifies a true Ram like character would be exempted for burning an effigy of the Ravana” Then possibly I may never burn in your nation, Ram.

With best wishes,
Yours truly
Former Lankapati, Ravana
Wish we don’t see each other next year.

Thankyou for reading.

My take on Income Tax return

Its pleasure to file your IT return on the last day. Its valour to defy their repeated reminders through messages and emails. When you delete those messages, when you ignore those emails consider it as your bold declaration of war against a gamut of IT officials who have ruthlessly seized your hard earned money in form of taxes.

But I sort of take extreme care and diligence to file it not on the last day but in the last hour, preferably in the last minute. I want to keep the IT officials pondering till the last minute of the time i have. Its ecstacy to feel that the guy who has deducted almost a month of my salary as income tax is sitting in anticipation on the other side of network biting the last nails he has.Wheteher I will or I’ll not.That may sound weird .But i seek satisfaction in thinking so. The act of filing an IT return is not due compliance but my vengeance towards the IT deptt.When W.H Auden wrote that “ those to whom evil is done do evil in return” I consider he meant an IT return and i completely abide by it.

The whole financial year gets over by playing hide and seek with the IT deptt.If they had their TDS, I had my NPS. If they brandished their cess and surcharge, i countered with my PPF and insurances .

The soulful joy is when you cunningly pluck out your secret move from the pack of cards and surprise them with an extra unreported savings done . A 500 here and a 1000 there saves a 50 here. The refund amount may be small but it gives a paradigm shift to your effort of filing return.The whole idea is not to reveal all your savings in a go and keep a few for the last moment to climb the bandwagon of Tax refunds .

Although the truth is that you can’t change your fate and you can’t change your total tax. But you can fight your fate and you can claim your refund from tax. Its just an alter way of thinking. For full one year a lioness sharpens her claws, works hard and plans and effects a kill. The lion simply comes and carries a major chunk from her kill on the pretext of rule and strength. The lioness is a salaried employee and the lion is IT deptt. To get a tax refund is that moment when you can strike and snatch the meat out of the lions mouth.

A net tax refund makes you feel like an achiever,a shrewd planner who has just turned the table to the other side. So you invest all your lifes accountancy, use all statistics , trignometry or geometry or every rubbish you have read but make sure that in the end you get the hell out of your IT return and get them to pay you back. After all the one who strikes the final blow is the one who wins.

Thankyou for reading

The Parliamentary Entertainment:Last day of Monsoon session 2015

photo credit: ibnlive.com

Would have wished to be in parliament today
Not that I am a connoisseur of political debates. But be it movies or parliamentary debates entertainment is all I seek. Entertainment is all it was. The last day of monsoon session was never the less than an epic potboiler.

Mallikarjun Kharge tried to inspire like the king of Spartans.He knew the numbers are few but the territory has to be defended.He spoke valiantly.He charged audaciously. HIs courage never faltered him, only his accent did.

So he fired the 7 Questions or the 7-Qs towards towards the government benches.This when the master orator was absent from the battle field. Only he has engineered 5-Ds,3-Ts,6-Ss
etc more succesfully earlier. He has churned out such words from his word processor more faster than can fruit juice by a food processor.

I am afraid someday he may claim that 26 alphabets and 1 to 10 digits are his creation during BJP rule, leaving 0 for Aryabhatta.

Sushma Swaraj resembled a wounded tigress which waited patiently to prowl on the Ra-So prey. The wounds afflicted by the allegations were all out on her face.All she did was wait for her turn. She knew it will come.And When it did she devoured the opposition by impeccably chosen words. Words mastered from her ‘adtees saal experience in Rajneeti’. "RG you are fond of holidaying.On your next holiday go and read the Kaale karname of your family and come and ask your mother Mumma, Quattrochi ko kitne paise diye. Mumma Anderson ko kyun jaane diya tha?" and then "Adtees Saal se Rajniti me hoon...Thirty Eight Years...aur til bhar bhi daag nahi laga".Well these are the dialogues that brews a 100 crore saga entertainer. For that matter  Bahubali can be an exception. Sarcasm at its best, she ripped apart Ra-ga with her final onslaught and actually spelt Quid pro quo for him.
On the background the self acclaimed iron man who has seemed to lost all his charisma for the past one year seemed as cold as stone and  seemingly trying to decipher greek inside parliament.He pacified Sushma swaraj by patting her back and probably quipped " Beti don’t speak for so long. Nowadays only Modi does so.”

 Attack and counterattack. 
Rahul Gandhi was in his artistic best when he retorted in equal measure quite confidently

" Sushma swaraj held my hand yesterday and asked Beta kyun Naraaaz ho mujhse.Maine tumhara kya kiya”. I told 'Main apse naraz nahi hoon.Maine aapki aankho me dekha jaise main abhi dekh raha hoon.Main satya bol raha hoon.Aur aapne apni aankhen jhuka li" His words thoughtfuI?Who cares. His mannerism draamatic? Yes it was.I wondered wheteher there'll be an advertisement after his speech -Beta Kuch lete kyun nahi?
Arun Jaitley had his turn too" The problem with Rahul Gandhi is he is an expert without any knowledge". The problem with Arun Jaitley is he always wears a smile, he thinks it makes him look suave but which makes him look all the more cunning.So stop grinning.

Not to forget the continuous din and sloganeering of the congress calling PradhanMantri Hosh me aao...hosh me aao and Pradhanmantri Sadan me aao..sadan me aao and cheer by the BJP members.The epitome of democracy seemed like the epitome of defamation .Kala-dhan was no where to be discussed but the kala-man was all out for us to see.

Narendra Modi tweeted a congratulatory message for Shushma Swaraj as if she had won a national level extempore competition. By tweeting the video link of Shushma Swaraj’s speech he behaved like a father who takes pride in the misdeeds of his spoiled brat and brags it out everywhere.

I wish I get to see such impromptu scripted parliament session in the multiplexes. I will whistle, hoot, shout at each dialogue. I will jeer down with congress-Pradhanmantri chuppi todo, chuppi todo. I will chant along with  BJP members. What an experience it would be . Bravo Parliament.

Thankyou for reading.

Indian Railway and Job Satisfaction

Completed 1.5 yrs as Asst Div Engg and also full probation period with Indian Railways.

Being a part of a system that has shouldered the expectations of an entire population for more than 160 years feels great. I have seen  people sacrificing their lives or suffering irreparable injury while performing their duty to keep the route safe for trains. The selfless devotion of  people towards the sytem is commendable. People whose single pursuit is to keep the wheel rolling and the giant moving. For me the Moto of Indian Railways is “Keep Moving’. No matter what  just keep moving . For this giant machinery has not learnt to stop even in harsh circumstance or an extreme climate. And the fraternity of railwaymen ensures that it serves its only purpose day in and day out safely and promisingly to connect people across region. This is not an ordinary organization. This orgnzn has carried all generations successfully ,literally and physically. For the past 160 years it has catered to all demands, be it individual, political, occupational or religious and is still on track.  Some may feel it has failed, but it never has. It has always evolved in better ways. To satisfy the need of  2.3 crore passengers every day  and simultaneously making an earning for the entire 13 lakh employees is not a failure. When the endeavour of an organisation is to satisfy million needs at a time then it can’t be termed a failure.

 It was during the restoration work after the  Muri express derailment on New Delhi - Ald route, two weeks ago, which brought one of the busiest route of IR to standstill that I realised the motive of our organization. I realised that whatever happens, the first objective was to to make it move. There I  realised that the satisfaction does not lie in the closed comforts of a luxurious room, not even in owning a brand new car, not also in the cool ambience of a mountain hill being able to pay a five star hotel bill. These are occasional thirst  which must be quenched but can never give a feeling of completeness . It was after being awake for continuous 43 hours and at the restoration site for continuous 32 hours I realised the demands of duty. After being baked under the bright noon sun, and washed with the hot dusty winds , with minimal food to eat and only water to rescue that I felt complete and satisfied.

 I realised that no work is small ,no system is perfect,  no job is complete in itself.  The curve of satisfaction in  any job represents a sinusoid . Someday its far above while  someday its too below.  Someday you crave for more while someday you wish it remains as it is. I detest many part of  my working schedule. Like many I complain about the facilities as a Govt officer , frown about the job demands , dislike its unnecessary phone calls .But then let the detestable part of this job be the lower half of that elusive satisfaction. For after it brooms you up to the crest which leaves memories for years.

The other day one of my friend in another Govt orgnzn told me that she was proud of Indian Railway. I was just back from an unpleasant  late night protocol and didn’t replied to her then. But yes, deep down in our heart , proud is what we feel!

My Woeful Salary and Indias' Budget 2015

How can you give 28000 as a salary, that too after working for 3 yrs of overhyped-underprivileged Group A Class I officer service? How on earth does this meagre amount qualify for a salary even? This is what I earned for the past two months. Sadly but truly it is 4000 less than what my Group C staff got this month. At one point I had an urge to borrow some from him in lieu of granting 8 extra leaves . 28K in 28 days of Feb. means  I managed to earn only 1000 Rs per day which gives me a feeling of having myself enrolled in MGNREGA rather than working as a Govt officer(Pl add ‘Overhyped’ every time I use this cuss word).

28K is a sum which can swing a Bollywood Maa’s  mood away from honest salaried Police officer Ravi to Bangla-Gaadi-Naukar -Chaakar owning criminal Vijay. 2015 is 40 yrs more than 1975. Presuming Ravi owned 1000 Rs per month then and adding an increment of Avg 1000 Rs per yr (considering in b/w pay commissions) he would have earned 41000 in Feb 2015, 13000 more than me. And to admit my mother is no simple, innocent, white suti saree clad Nirupama Roy of 1975 potboiler Deewar. She knows things and she demands things.  She rattles of Flipkart by heart. Although she calls it Philip Kaat . Last week she asked me to buy “5 sim wala Aashu  Ye Phone ”. It took me 3 google search to decipher her  craving for Asus  Zenfone 5 and 3 days to convince that 5 is not meant for 5 sim slots.(You guessed it right, Aashu is my nickname)

28000 Man??In hindi its called Atthais Hazaar. Infact in hindi it stinks. Even Tees-Battees hazaar commands some respect in social circle. But atthais hazzaar??Although its not true but in general parlance of Bihar,UP Afsar gets Assi (80) hazaar and a Peon gets Paitees (35) hazaar. Where does Atthais fit into it??Bandhua Mazdoor!

I thought Jaitley baba with a mandate of 282 would be heartful enough to part away some amount from Govt coffers as bonus for Holi/Diwali to officers too. I waited for this announcement with bated breath and dog’s curiosity during his budget presentation. But finally all he did was  to move away on his Elephant slowly and surely.

Thankyou for reading.

Indian Railways to replicate ISRO

After ISRO’s success, His MODISTY has asked Indian Railways to replicate something similar. To which all railway officials have responded, unanimously.

After 3 days high intensity meeting of top officials of Engineering, operating, Mechanical, Safety, commercial and don’t know how many deptts  the IR has decided to send a WDM-5H Diesel powered Loco to Mars.  Much deliberation and highly creative minds were invested to name the mission. The onus was to name something which must sound different than MOM or DAD and resembles both Rail and Mars. Finally the mission was named ,but obvious, Rail On Mars (ROM), which has nothing to do with appeasing MOR. Another name which was contemplated was Rail On Mars Surface (ROMS), but then it was dropped citing its similarity to abbreviation MOSR.

The project saw initial hiccups when a hakim type looking babu of Accounts deptt,  who is struggling to come in terms with allopathic medicines and latest technology in railways had put an objection to fund sanction to which the accounts officer has invariably agreed.

The objections were:

9. Why WDM is being sent to Mars bypassing Moon?. Even ISRO first experimented with moon.
10. If WDM stands for “Without Diesel Machine” then why cost of Diesel is put for proposal???

After much explanation and finally coercion the hakim type babu has agreed. To which the officer concerned has also invariably agreed. The explanations given by IOW were:

9. Since mission will launch during day time when moon is not visible so Mars has been chosen as next cost efficient planet.
10. Diesel will be sold off in petrol pumps on Mars which will generate revenue.

It is learnt that no representative from either of the two recognised Union were called in the meeting. The aggrieved,so called shakha-pramukhs,  have put up their so called karmachari-hiit demands so that their so called rail-ka-kaam-sucharu-roop-se-chal-sake takes place.The demands are:

9. one representative of each of the recognised union must be sent along with WDM-5H to Mars.
10. All D&AR case aginst shakha-pramukhs be cancelled before launch.
11. The roof of railway quarters which will eventually be built on Mars must not leak during Martian Monsoon.

If their demands are not met then they will proceed for 30 day long chakka-jam on Mars, for which everyone has agreed.

Even before the trial run of the project started operating deptt has told NO-BLOCK citing heavy bunching of goods rakes in yards. There are also rumors that at the time of launch a shunting engine will only be spared in place of WDM-5H citing heavy bunching.

The signalling deptt has turned its all gears on to convert Red Martian surface to green so as the loco pilot sees all green enroute. It is indeed a great task & when asked how much time will this endeavour will take they have pointed towards their reliable companion Ensaldo. Preparation is in full swing for any unconceived failure for which a draft has already been prepared holding Engg. deptt responsible for the cause.

The commercial deptt has been entrusted to deliver 1000 packets of cockroach-free food for enroute. To celebrate the occasion they have prepared an exhaustive menu of continental, italian, veg, non-veg cuisines and are expected to serve not more than ever green paneer butter masala. Your Luck Will Decide the Number of Paneers in the Gravy.

Unlike ISRO’s jet propulsion system Railway will use an indigenous technology to send WDM-5H to Mars. The in house developed system has been time-tested used in completing several projects against all odds. They have named it “CHASING”. 28 CUG powered mobile phone will be handed free of cost to the crew. An Engineering control will CHASE like hell on all phones and will relay its progress and next day movement in Morning Position to the monitoring officer.

Meanwhile grabbing the opportunity by both hands  safety  deppt has issued list of officers who will do night foot plate on WDM-5H upto Mars.

2 years later after the launch of ROM it was learnt that it is yet to reach Martian Surface. When asked about the possible delay and the location of Loco someone said nonchalantly “Outer pe khadi hai yaar”

JuMbLeD Up

MY Mother taught me LOGIC... 
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." 

My Mother taught me MEDICINE... 
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." 

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... 
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!" 

My Mother taught me ESP... 
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?" 

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... 
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!" 

My Mother taught me HUMOR... 
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... 
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

My Mother taught me about GENETICS... 
"You are just like your father!" 

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... 
"Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

My Mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... 
"When you get to be my age, you will understand." 

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... 
"Just wait until your father gets home." 

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING... 
"You are going to get it when we get home." 

And my all time favorite thing--JUSTICE 
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU.. then you'll see what it's like." 

In between all this, my Mother taught me how to Live! 
Thank you Mom for all I have learned these years.

 

Motivational Quotes

"Don't ever let somebody tell you... You can't do something. ..
You got a dream... You gotta protect it. People can't do somethin' themselves, they wanna tell you you can't do it. If you want somethin', go get it. Period. "

Abdul Kalam ke 'kalam se'- Some defining lines from Wings of Fire

To live only for some unknown future is superficial. It is like climbimg a mountain to reach the peak without experiencing its sides. The sides of the mountain sustain life,not the peak.This is where things grow,experience is gained, and technologies are mastered. The importance of the peak lies only in the fact that it defines the sides. So I went on towards the top, but always experiencing the sides. I had a long way to go but I was in no hurry. I went in little steps-just one step after another-but each step towards the top.