The Islam I Know

I have no idea about various versions of Islam being  propagated across the world. The repeated news debates over Islam has repeatedly failed to make sense to me. Their Urduish accents  are no better than Italian movies without subtitle.  One of the demerits of 32 inch HD LED TV is that

the frowning news anchor seems like your father threatening you to score a hundred out of hundred in Mathematics. They may jump out of screen and slap you red next time if you don't heed to them

Their debates have made Islam so complex that the complex differential equations involving omegas,iotas, sigmas, gammas and with respect other ammas seems more rudimentary to me.

I have also no idea of what others conceive about people who follow Islam and its practices.

Let me break a breaking news to you all.  The followers of Islam are from the very earth we all link our origin to. Well,  you don’t need an assurance from me after all . They are as simple as people of any other religion for whom religion is something what career choices are for students of middle class families : totally imposed upon them.

The college life is the time when our soft clay like character is mould and hardened for future. Having spent the crucial college life in one of the prestigious Islamic universities of India, Jamia Millia Islamia,  I sort of feel privileged and claim a right to discourse on Islam.

The college environment where friendship is the strongest religion and the professors are the real preachers, breeds thoughts which come a long way in shaping your thoughts for lifetime.  Most of my friends in college were followers of Islam. But never did we dwelled into altercations over each others religion. Forget altercation, we hardly cared what religion we followed. For us there were only three types of species on earth : Front benchers, middle benchers and back benchers. 

I came to know about two sects of Islam from them : the most beautiful girl in our class was a Shia and the second one was a sunni. Trust me no one cared about hell as long as they were present in class. I came to know that Ramadan is the more appropriate word than Ramazan, that a person who

is on travel and a child has no compulsion to keep a fast during the holy month, that the appeal of the evening Iftaar party was more alluring to them than the full day fast. My friends abstained from watching movies during Ramadan as long as it was not a Shahrukh mega. They too had fond memories of loving Ramayana or a Mahabharta on DD as much as others did. My friend Iqbal knew much more about Mahabharta than me. The Baal Ganesha put smiles on my friends younger brother as it did to any small kid. Five of my classmates proudly called themselves Paanch Paandav and shared everything from examination chits to cigarette puffs.Three of them followed Islam. 

My friends who follow Islam are liberal in approach and thoughts. For them religion is just a symbol as it is to us.

I have climbed the stairs of Kalkaji and visited Varanasi ghat with them.Together  we have unsuccesfully tried to sit in silence inside the Lotus Temple of Delhi just to smile mischievously before bursting out with laughter. We have been to Jama Masjid and Akshardam Temple all together. For us it was all fun and no religion. We hated politicians in equal measures and loved A.P.J Abdul  Kalam , we appreciated Shoaib Akhtars tantalizing looks but equally booed him when he bowled bouncers to Sachin.

My knowledge of Islam is complicated, yes, but only in names. It took me months to realize that the Mehreen Mushtaq Lanker are not three siblings but one and it took me years to spell them correctly. That Kamrul Hasan and Qamrul Hasan are two different people and not one separated just by L,M,N,O and P.

My Knowledge of Islam is simple and not that intricate  as many may have. The Islam I know thrives in the heart of my friends who treasure relationship as we all do. The Islam I know walks among the ordinary crowds of Batla House to Shaheen Bagh in Delhi, trying to earn a decent living and celebrating small nuances of life.

My knowledge of Islam is in the sweet Sheer Korma and Sewai I loved to devour at my friends house every Eid. It is in  Imran's youngest brother who was as desperate for eidis on Eid every year as he was for the crackers on Diwali. It breathes in the form of  my friend Iqbal, one of the best gifts from Jamia whom I trust as much as my brother. The Islam I know has those Paanch Pandavs who used to drown in the colours of Holi while keeping the world behind them. It lingers in the rich aroma of Naeem bhai's biryani of Jamia canteen which relieved the hunger pangs of students across all religion. The Islam I know sustains in my professors at Engineering college Azhar sir, Khalid Moin, Qamrul Hasan and several others who wanted all of us to excel in life as much as our parents did. They celebrated excellence and never religion. 

The Islam I know is quite simple and joyful. It is more than a name or a surname, more than anything wrong what people misconceive it to be. The Islam I know has love, friendship, passion, success, failure and all human emotions we go crazy for. And I am sure your knowledge of Islam is as good as mine.
(Dedicated to my Alma Mater and all friends. Forgive for putting in names without permission)

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Why on Earth are you not Married?

My brother’s marriage is scheduled for the last  week of November. Delighted? Well,  I don’t intend to invite anyone. But I will try to inform everyone. Yes!. Everyone from my chacheri chachi’s eldest daughter in law  to the Fuferi Bua I have never seen. From the gaanv wale Tauji to my lesser known cousins sprinkled all over India. From the friends who have preserved their ‘likes’ and  ‘comments’ like treasures on  facebook to the ones who have mindlessly but loyally  liked all the shi*****  I post. (Extra stars is just to bemuse you, consider the first word knocking the mind as correct!)

Our social norm expects us to blast such news to all. So what better way than on a social networking site. You may like, comment or share in hundreds. So that even a remotely located tech-savvy kid of Jagada tribe of Africa knows that one elder brother of one hapless person in some place called India is finally about to get married. Let there be prayers in churches ,offerings in temples, nazranas in masjids. But see that the news doesn’t spreads to  Syria. If they get elated they might send beheaded congratulatory messages .

With this declaration many restless soul would pester more firmly with their questions regarding my settling prospects . Not every one likes to see happiness on your face for long. Henceforth, I can not use the Law of Precedence (Marriages are fixed in descending order from eldest to youngest) religiously followed in a middle class Indian family, to defend my free radical state.

Earlier, to every question about my marriage I smirked off by replying “abhi Bhai hai bada”. The worst part was to beam a lightning smile while replying to the same moronic question put up at various gatherings. It was similar to grudgingly produce an extraordinary grin every time your dearest but meanest friend  graciously offers  Rs 30 McAloo Tikki in all parties at McDonalds,while you know it tastes worse than local Aloo Tikki.

Such gatherings have their quota of Anatomists and Philosophers. The Anatomists would dissect your family structure to know the reason why on earth you are still unmarried. Where is your Brother? Is he employed? Why doesn’t he marries if he is employed? Why doesn’t he lets you marry if he doesn’t want to?. Do you have a sister? Is she elder to you? Is she married? And then like a lost tourist he would again venture to the source and  conclude, “That means bhai ke baad karoge?” I felt like answering “ Na, bhai ke bete ke baad”

After a can of beer or two  the philosophers would produce their gems of thoughts in the form of stories that how one of their friend had to accept celibacy only because his elder brother took long to settle. After few more cans of beer find their fate sealed inside their tummies you  become an open target of  whims and fancies regarding bachelorhood. Your free radical  state might be linked to the reason behind ozone layer depletion or the cause of recent Chennai floods. Your Vivah cheerharan  becomes the tax-free source of entertainment for the masses. You may look for a saviour like Krishna but  if your Krishna is not single then chances are the best derision would be from his side.

With God’s grace I hope my brother gets married. He has patiently batted for 4 years like a test match. Twice my family jumped in elation to celebrate his dismissal but the bowler refused to raise the appeal. The ball is in the air this time, I pray for his resounding dismissal.

Nowadays, you are not sure of your marriage till you actually get married. Marriages do have their probation and confirmation.You never know when on your marriage night any Aakash (Amir Khan) comes out of blue and repropose your bride to be. I have seen Dil Chahta Hai . Thrice. “Ki mujhe yakeen hai ki tum janmi ho mere liye, bas mere liye aur mera dharti pe janam hua hai taaki tumse mil sakoon aur agar tum ye apne dil se poochogi to jaan jaogi ki main sach keh raha hoon”. Flat. Done. Fate sealed. Years of perseverance and hard work gone with just a dialogue. Off pack your bags… smile sheepishly say goodbye to the Shalini (Preity Zinta) of your dreams and start searching your next bride to be. See the cheapest matrimonial site and market yourself again. If things seems gloomy and you do not find a better prospect for too many days in a row then the hindi dailys will brighten your hope. Sell yourself among the only coloured pages of hindi daily and I assure you not less than 50 calls a day. Sundays would be all more charming when the flood gates carrying marriage prospects are opened. Thus, your hope will be rechristened and  you will get a million reasons to live happily till next weekend.

If your brother or sister is equally interested in your marriage as you are it helps. If not use the power of a dual sim smart phone to develop your clone. Use one number to mediate like the prospect’s brother and the other number as the prospect himself.

And even if it doesn’t help go and watch Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (HDDCS) and  hope that the Shalini gets a change of  mind and returns to you like the Nandini (Aishwarya Rai) of HDDCS .

Till then Stay Single, Stay Blessed!

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Harry Potter and The Battle of Bihar

Edited from original source Google

Harry Potter and The Battle of Bihar

Bihar has successfully weathered the month long slugfest festival enjoyed thoroughly by  the insatiable media. During the same time I bumped across a news about “Harry Potter and the cursed child”,  a play revolving around the Potter story 19 years later where it left, scheduled to open at London Theatre in July 2016.

Within seconds the Potter mania engulfed my consciousness and I relived the decade long symbolic association with the wizard as if time travelling in Hermoines’s Time Turner in the  Prisoner of Azkaban. But the ever monotonous news updates about Bihar elections unwittingly  hooked me to the present.

I tried again to peek into the Hogwarts school and found myself surrounded by muggles all across from Bihar. Muggles from Munger to Darbhanga, Muggles of all castes and religion. I found the wizarding atmosphere full of political colours. Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff houses were now owned by various political parties honing their charms and spells over the muggles. The Tri Wizard tournament from Goblet of Fire is replaced by the democratic election process. Where each party has to place their best wizard forward who can successfully cast the Imperius curse(hypnotising)  over the muggles to win over their votes. I was dejected to see the best Witchcraft school turned into a vicious land of power seekers. 

In order to seek clarification from Hagrid I ventured  into the  Forbidden Forest. There I saw our hero, our ordinary boy with whom we all shared a significant part of growing up years. The Boy-Who-Was-Elected with his spect-acular looks and side-swept hair  Niti-ease Potter sat dismally with his Philosophers Stone, caressing it gently to become an immortal CM.

He narrated me how he along with Laalo Weasley and Hermoine Gandhi have formed The Muggle Gatbandhan to defend against the Saffron Wizard Lord VadodaraMort. He narrated me how the Saffron Lord’s  army have  been  casting  democratically Unforgivabe curses in the land of         Bizar-dry.How they once intentionally used the magical spell ‘Accow’ and not the more appropriate ‘Accio’ to summon the cow lovers to their party. How the frequency by which Lord apparates and disapparates  between Delhi and Bihar has been troubling him. The intensity of casting charms using theatrical expression and hand gestures mastered by the  Lord has done sort of Bombarda Maxima among the muggles.

The verbal duel between  Weasley’s Ron Janta Dal (RJD) and Saffron Lord’s Baahar-ki Janta Party (BJP) once dropped so low during a Quidditch game that the Ministry of Magic had to personally reprimand both to maintain the decorum of game.

At another stance, I saw Amit-Dementor Shah sucking happiness out from our boy through many communal spells but the boy successfully casted a Expecto Patronus Bihari spell and won over a million heart.Sadly, Hermoine’s charms were so dull that she did not even qualified for being called a wizard. She was past her best and the Muggles left her rallies to rest.

But, I found the ideals of Albus Dumbledore a.k.a JP in Bihar waning among his followers. The one-who-must-Always-be-named was nevertheless wrong in irresponsibly using his Wizardry powers entrusted upon him by muggles across the nation. But our trio fearless heroes including the Boy-who-was-elected did not fared up to our expectation.

May be the Lord’s  ‘Achhe-Din-ka-Dabra’ become the killing spell for the Niti-ease Potter, or may be our boy grabs the ELDER WAND again from the Diagon Alley to become the best wizard born ever. As I recede from my Potterlogy  to reality I wish, whoever wins, Bihar gets to rise above its Deathly Hollows.


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Diwali ka Diwala

This Diwali make your smartphone shop for you right from the luxury of your home. Or this Diwali go out and shop your heart full on new hero bike. This Diwali just donty shop for you but for your entire family. This Diwali paint your home bright with Asian Paints. This Diwali go broke, bankrupt, get ruined and stay impoverished everafter.

Deepika padukone in Tanishq ad rightly says that for past many years Diwali in her home has not changed. She always gets a jewellery fromm his father. And in the end just as if that would not be enough her mother also has a jewellery which we surely know fromm her expression that it is new. Sure way to get the Diwala out of your father.

Or paint your home not with ordinary distemper or chuna, dig deep into your pocket and have your house painted with nerolac paint or Nerolac ki raunak as asked by Shahrukh khan.

Aur is Diwali khushiyan lle chalo, Cadbury celebrations le chalo. Larger the packet larger the khushiyan lesser the number of choclates. Jao le jao khushiyan. You can either buy ever reliable boondi k buniyan in less than half the price of single chocolate inside the pack.

This Diwali if you are not already famished after month long all special and exclusive sales on amazon, flipkart, snapdeal, jabong, myntra, santra, kaddu, muli etc .com then go celebrate Diwali as you have already did for so long.