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| phot credit : vividscreen.info |
"In India, the
pen can never run dry. Something, interesting, is always
happening"- Ruskin Bond.
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The fact-finding
committee of Government is under severe pressure from engineering students across nation to verify the legitimacy of
‘figures’ of condoms, beer and cigarettes allegedly found inside JNU campus.
The BBC committee of engineering students that is
spearheading the agitation, have
asserted that if the figures are found to be correct, even up to 3 decimal places, then a second round of agitation across
engineering colleges will be called. When asked whether their committee is
sponsored by BBC they clarified, “BBC is Booze, Bust and Cigarette – the yearning desire of all students right from 1st
year to 4th year”.
“Cutting across the
caste, creed and religion, these three defines us and unites us “ thundered the
other with a fist raised high, out protruded a half-burnt cigarette from it.
“Thus, today we demand
a respectful right to hold a beer can in one hand and a Badi wali Gold Flake in the other", said the secretary.
“Hey, I’ll prefer wine
and a Cigar”, yelled from the back, an ancient looking student appearing third time in his final year.
They cited that Beedi was a disgrace to their
smoking culture which smokes for the coolness quotient and thus they
have not sought the data about beedi.Then they highlighted why the
figure of beedi was abjectly low to that of cigarette inside JNU.Beedi is more associated with
poverty and malnourishment while a cigarette is more urbane and classy. More of urban population is opting for
humanities these days than engineering, they inferred.
“Well, Beedi don’t last long”
suggested one.
“Ya! and it is far more difficult
to make a smoke ring out of beedi”, another student complemented.
Together they pondered the merits
of cigarette over Beedi. How cigarette can be easily shared but not beedis as sharing beedi would let no
one have enough of it. They concluded that one should abstain from beedi until the life support system connected to
father's pocket does not dwindle.
The committee has
sent a right to information appeal
to Deans of all colleges and
universities to declare figures on a daily
basis about used condoms, Beer cans, liquor bottles,chicken
bones and Cigarette stubs at all dhabas inside their campuses.
The data received would be
refined and processed using MATLAB
software. Separate bar charts and graphical sheets will be prepared using data
of condoms, cigarettes and beer cans for each university. These bar charts would
enable the students appearing in engineering entrance exams to rightly choose
the college of their choice. In the later stage,
a mathematical formula is envisaged with Condoms, Beer and Cigarettes as three variables. Data of each university will
be put in the place of variables to get a constant factor called the Oomph
factor (O.F). The universities with more Oomph Factor would be rated above.
O.F of various universities would
make it easier for students to choose science stream or humanities in the earlier stage of life,
they say.
“We were misinformed “, lamented
one student, “ and made wrong career choices. We do not want our younger
brethren to suffer the same fate as ours”
BBC committee has pressed the
university administration to ensure these basic amenities to all students of
the engineering college. Even on days when
Non-veg is served in squalid hostel mess the figure of bone pieces has never
touched whooping 50,000 that JNU devours just in a day.
“Our college is dismally below in
these figures to that of JNU. What is the need of all our hard work?” said a grizzled
student, who just dropped in to ask his roommate
the whereabouts of toothpaste they share.
“If you get double the fun in JNU
with just half the hard work in engineering, then bhala koi ye kyun le wo na le?”
mimicked one, like Nirma Super advertisement of 90s.
“Maan gaye! Aapki parkhi nazar
aur Oomph Factor, dono ko” hailed the other with a high-five between the two.
Some of the disgruntled younger
one’s called for banning Chetan Bhagat’s Five Point Someone. They said it has mislead
an entire generation to believe that girls are easy to win over in engineering
colleges.
“ 10000 cigarette butts, 3000 beer cans and 3000 condoms a day is something even a top ranker
IITian would die for. Can you even imagine?” Asked one.
“And all I have managed by 3rd year is just a
safe seating spot near the prettiest girl in class”, rued the first ranker, the sorrow on his face was palpable.
Seeing the eyes of their top ranker
swelled up in tears, the crowd bellowed together “Ban…Ban..Chetan Bhagat. Ban…Ban
him”.
Meanwhile,
Quora is reportedly flooded with questions about ‘How to get admission in JNU
after engineering?’
As the BBC committee drafted a
proposal highlighting their demands, a S.O.S
(Saatvik Oatmeal Sansthan) has entrusted upon itself a purification drive for
JNUites. It has resolved to send 15,000 bottled Gau-mutra and 10,000 Patanjali
whole grain biscuit packets inside the campus.
Thankyou for reading
Wow! This is alarming.
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