Friday, February 26, 2016

Oh JNU! And We Thought Engineering is All Fun

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"In India, the pen can never run dry. Something, interesting, is always happening"- Ruskin Bond.


The fact-finding committee of Government is under severe pressure from engineering students  across  nation  to verify the legitimacy of ‘figures’ of condoms, beer and cigarettes allegedly found inside JNU campus.

The BBC committee of engineering students that is spearheading the agitation,  have asserted that if the figures are found to be correct, even up to 3 decimal places, then a second round of agitation across engineering colleges will be called. When asked whether their committee is sponsored by BBC they clarified, “BBC is Booze, Bust and Cigarette – the  yearning desire of all students right from 1st year to 4th year”.

“Cutting  across the caste, creed and religion, these three defines us and unites us “ thundered the other with a fist raised high, out protruded a half-burnt cigarette from it.

“Thus, today we demand a respectful right to hold a beer can in one hand and a Badi wali Gold Flake in the other", said the secretary.

“Hey, I’ll prefer  wine and a Cigar”, yelled from the back, an ancient looking student appearing  third time in his final year.

They cited that Beedi was a disgrace to  their  smoking culture which smokes for the coolness quotient and thus they have not sought the data about beedi.Then they highlighted why the figure of beedi was abjectly low to that of cigarette inside JNU.Beedi is more associated with poverty and malnourishment while a cigarette is more urbane and classy. More of urban population is opting for humanities these days than engineering, they inferred.

“Well, Beedi don’t last long” suggested one.

“Ya! and it is far more difficult to make a smoke ring out of beedi”, another student complemented.

Together they pondered the merits of cigarette over Beedi. How cigarette can be easily shared  but not beedis as sharing beedi would let no one have enough of it. They concluded that one should abstain from beedi until the life support system connected to father's pocket does not dwindle.

The committee has  sent  a right to information appeal to Deans of  all colleges and universities to declare figures on a daily basis about used condoms, Beer cans, liquor bottles,chicken bones and  Cigarette  stubs at all dhabas inside their campuses.

The data received would be refined and processed using  MATLAB software. Separate bar charts and graphical sheets will be prepared using data of condoms, cigarettes and beer cans for each university. These bar charts would enable the students appearing in engineering entrance exams to rightly choose the college of their choice. In the later stage, a mathematical formula is envisaged with Condoms, Beer and Cigarettes as three variables. Data of each university will be put in the place of variables to get a constant factor called the Oomph factor (O.F). The universities with more Oomph Factor would be rated above.

O.F of various universities would make it easier for students to choose science stream  or humanities in the earlier stage of life, they say.

“We were misinformed “, lamented one student, “ and made wrong career choices. We do not want our younger brethren to suffer the same fate as ours”

BBC committee has pressed the university administration to ensure these basic amenities to all students of the engineering college. Even on days when Non-veg is served in squalid hostel mess the figure of bone pieces has never touched whooping 50,000 that JNU devours just in a day.  

“Our college is dismally below in these figures to that of JNU. What is the need of all our hard work?” said a grizzled student, who just dropped in to ask his roommate the whereabouts of toothpaste they share.

“If you get double the fun in JNU with  just half the hard work in engineering, then bhala koi ye kyun le wo na le?” mimicked one, like Nirma Super advertisement of 90s.

Maan gaye! Aapki parkhi nazar aur Oomph Factor, dono ko” hailed the other with a high-five between the two.

Some of the disgruntled younger one’s called for banning Chetan Bhagat’s Five Point Someone. They said it has mislead an entire generation to believe that girls are easy to win over in engineering colleges.

“ 10000 cigarette butts, 3000 beer cans and 3000 condoms  a day is something even a  top ranker IITian would die for. Can you even imagine?” Asked one.

“And all I have managed by 3rd year is just a safe seating spot near the prettiest girl in class”, rued the first ranker, the sorrow on his face was palpable.

Seeing the eyes of their top ranker swelled up in tears, the crowd bellowed together “Ban…Ban..Chetan Bhagat. Ban…Ban him”.

Meanwhile, Quora is reportedly flooded with questions about ‘How to get admission in JNU after engineering?’

As the BBC committee drafted a proposal highlighting their demands, a S.O.S (Saatvik Oatmeal Sansthan) has entrusted upon itself a purification drive for JNUites. It has resolved to send 15,000 bottled Gau-mutra and 10,000 Patanjali whole grain biscuit packets inside the campus.

Thankyou for reading

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